It's official. The winner of the Worst Movie of the Year competition is all but a lock. Looks like you lucked out, Breaking Dawn.
I’ve never taken the time to properly estimate it but in my short 20-something-year-old life I’ve probably sat through well over 500-800 movies and only once have I ever walked out on one. Why? Because no matter how bad a movie is, it’s my professional obligation to see it through till the end and give a clear, concise, non-biased summation of it.
Well, you know what?
Fuck professionalism.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star is so bad, so horrifying, so utterly putrid in every sense of the word that typing up an in-depth analysis of everything wrong with it would be a task fit only for the spawn of Leo Tolstoy and Stephen King.
Yes, I walked out on Bucky Larson. And it isn’t just because of the fact that it’s beyond bad. No, my early exit from the screening was based more on the thought that somewhere in the world a child is starving to death and drinking sewer water while Nick Swardson is living it up in Los Angeles somewhere. This is not a world I am proud of.
Bucky Larson is about an idiot who wouldn’t even qualify for the short bus who makes his way to LA to become a porn star. What ensues is a painful conglomeration of dick metaphors that would take up roughly an hour and a half of your life if you happened to make it through till the end.
This is essentially the whole movie...
I couldn’t find that strength.
Happy Madison is a company that continues to crap out "comedies" so brutally bad that it really makes you question just who the real idiots are: Happy Madison for making movies so stupid that they wouldn’t qualify for bad skits on MadTV or the movie-going public that continues to throw money at these imbeciles like the sheep that every other country in the world thinks we are.
Adam Sandler is not funny. Talking in the exact same old lady voice is not funny. “Chocolate wasted” is not funny. Finding weird ways to refer to genitalia for two hours is not funny. Saying the word “diarrhea” a few times is not funny. Giant fake teeth are not funny. Nothing in Bucky Larson is funny. For a “film” that uses such an adult-oriented premise, the fact that most of the jokes seem explicitly designed for 5-year-olds is an implied massive insult to the public.
I’m going to keep this review short. Why? Because Bucky Larson is so fucking horrible that it puts a tear in my eye to think that there might be someone out there in the world who actually enjoys this shit. I know it’s a “stoner comedy” but even stoners have some standards and the last time I hung out with people smoking pot we talked about the environment and the economy and the new Halo game, not referring to balls as grapes for 90 fucking minutes.
Told you...
Usually reviewing a bad movie is somewhat of a cathartic experience for me. Being able to rip and tear into a film and crushing the hopes and dreams of directors and writers who genuinely believed they were pumping out something good usually puts a smile on my face. But I don’t get that feeling with Bucky. I get the feeling that they are the ones laughing that they got their film into theaters and people actually went to go see it. I think they knew perfectly well that they were basically slathering shit all over the camera lens but didn’t have the human decency to admit it. The phrase "pissing down my back and telling me it's raining" comes to mind. Ergo, writing this review has actually made me angrier than I was before.
I don’t date very often. Mostly because I have a fear of the opposite sex that renders me virtually catatonic when one starts talking to me despite my desire for children one day and good job and high IQ and shit like that. But, and I say this with absolute honesty, even if I found a woman who could put up with my inability to smooth talk, loved dinosaurs, loved pugs, and could only communicate via blowjobs, I would still kick her out of my apartment if she so much as snickered at Bucky Larson. It’s the ultimate litmus test for stupidity and putting a gun to your head and playing Russian roulette with a loaded chamber may be a welcome alternative to having to sit through it again.
tearfully added by Brent Saltzman at 6:15 PM on 9/14/2011